The Collection Chamber: GUTS 'N' GARTERS IN DNA DANGER

Theirs is a world of secrets; of espionage and hidden dangers. Follow Guts or Garters on the back of a bullet through over 200 fully rendered, multi-destructable scenes where obsessive attention to detail meets full interaction.

~ from the back of the box

The word "jank" is often bandied about when discussing video game. We all know it when we see it, yet trying to define it is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. Sometimes it's the result of technical limitations. Sometimes it's bad design. Other times it's a game reaching for something just beyond its abilities and landing face-first in the mud. The important question isn't whether a game is janky, but whether it remains enjoyable despite its flaws. Guts 'n' Garters in DNA Danger certainly qualifies, at least for me. It's awkward and clumsy in its design with a repetitive gameplay loop that would put off many a player. Yet somehow, against all better judgement, I had a pretty good time with it.

Released by Ocean Software in 1997 and developed by Magic Canvas Entertainment, Guts 'n' Garters drops you onto the volcanic Ferros Island as one of two K-Force operatives. Hank "Guts" Carter is the square-jawed action hero type, while Stacy "Garters" Pringle fills the role of his equally capable partner. If you play as Garters, you've apparently popped open easy-mode, though I struggled to notice much difference. Together they're tasked with stopping the villainous Admiral Wort, a terrorist mastermind who has established a heavily fortified base on the island and is preparing his latest scheme for world domination. It's pure comic-book nonsense delivered with a completely straight face, but the absurd bombast of it all is an endearing throwback to 90's action tropes that they just don't do any more.

Walk to the side of the screen, and you'll see arrows point to the exits. Tap the direction again to leave the area (left).

Defeat all enemies to clear a scene. If the last enemy doesn't disappear, make sure you search him to see what he's holding (right).

The action takes place on a number of lavish single-screen pre-rendered backgrounds that are divided into areas. Not long after you arrive, a hoard of enemies who seem contractually obligated to attack on sight swarm the screen in turn. Eliminate everything that moves, then that area is forever clear to safely explore and poke around for exits, supplies and clues. This happens on every screen, and the waves can take a few exhausting minutes until it ends. Despite this, there's a surprising amount of satisfaction in clearing a particularly busy combat zone.

Unfortunately, combat is also where the game's more questionable design decisions come charging over the hill. Movement is handled with the keyboard while aiming uses the mouse, creating a control scheme that, while enjoyable at times, never quite feels natural. Characters move like a broken shopping trolley, often getting stuck on the poorly defined boundaries and objects that get in your way. The default pistol doesn't help matters. Its range is surprisingly short, but the game never properly communicates this, leading to the assumption that it's simply not working - stay within half a screen away and you should be fine. The programmers have even designed an approximation of line-of-sight too, which often doesn't feel natural. In being strictly a 2D game approximating a 3D environment, the more it tries to design elements for a 3D engine, the more the jank comes out. At least the game offers some assistance through pickups called Homing Beacons, which can summon friendly aircraft that drop health packs, shields and ammunition whenever the local scenery proves fruitless.

Sometimes you need to blow stuff up to collect needed items.
In this instance, you'll also need a wrench.

What stops Guts 'n' Garters from becoming just another forgettable shooter is its surprisingly substantial adventure-game side. Holding CTRL allows you to search whatever the cursor is hovering over which threatens some point-and-click mechanics. Don't go expecting Broken Sword though, the adventure side - however welcome - is still limited. Crates, barrels and various pieces of scenery can be examined to see if they hide items that can be collected or offer hints about what to do next. They require the destructive power of a grenade or mine to access them but at least the search function tells you what's hidden inside if anything before you waste a precious explosive opening it.

These items aren't just powerups or ammo either, they can be actual inventory puzzles. One early sequence requires collecting a wrench from a fallen enemy in one location and a knife from another elsewhere. The wrench is used to remove an anchor from a boat, while the knife cuts away a rope attached to a lifebuoy. Combine the two and you've suddenly crafted a makeshift grappling hook capable of reaching a warship that opens up the next section of the game. It's exactly the sort of adventure-game logic that sounds ridiculous when written down but somehow makes perfect sense when you're playing it.

You can get a closer look at your items in the inventory section of your VU Mapper (left).

Follow the progress of the completion of the "special weapon" (right).

The interface takes a little getting used to but eventually becomes second nature. The top of the screen tracks your lives, health, armour, kill count and any keys currently in your possession. Beneath that sits your weapon selection that are switch over using the Function keys. Pressing Insert swaps the weapon display over to inventory items instead allowing you to use them with a tap of Enter. The real heart of the interface is the VU Mapper, accessed via TAB. This acts as a reminder of your mission objectives but also includes a more detailed inventory screen and map system all rolled into one. You can even track your progress of building the "special weapon" which is completed by collecting parts usually dropped by the last enemy cleared on a given screen. This whole menu system bizarrely ignores the mouse entirely. Instead, TAB cycles through its functions while Enter selects them and ESC returns you to the game.

For all its faults, Guts 'n' Garters in DNA Danger is difficult to dislike. Yes, it's janky. Very janky, in fact. Characters move awkwardly, combat often feels imprecise, and some puzzles require a degree in moon logic to understand. But unlike truly terrible games, its problems stem from overreaching rather than lack of effort. It reminds me a little of Codename: Hellsquad (another great find also reviewed here) that blended action and adventure in similar ways, although here the emphasis falls much more heavily on the shooting. Most importantly, the jank never sinks it to the depths of something like The Crow: City of Angels which is perhaps the worst game I've ever played for this site. Guts 'n' Garters may stumble over its own boots from time to time, but it keeps moving forward with enough enthusiasm that you end up wanting to follow. Not a hidden masterpiece by any stretch, but certainly one of those wonderfully odd discoveries that makes digging through gaming history worthwhile.

To download the game, follow the link below. This custom installer exclusive to The Collection Chamber uses the DOSBox-X build of DOSBox to bring the game to modern systems. Manual included. MP3 Soundtrack included as a separate download. Read the ChamberNotes.txt for more detailed information. Tested on Windows 11.

File Size: 405 Mb. Install Size: 500 Mb. Need help? Consult the Collection Chamber FAQ

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